“My boyfriend dumped me because he said I wasn’t there when we made love. He wasn’t the first to say this. I knew something was wrong. Could hypnotherapy help me?”
Your sexual dysfunction means you are involved in more sex as an observer than as a participant.
You refrain from entering trance; You have trouble “releasing.”
There are several ways in which a qualified hypnotherapist can help you overcome this problem. Before using hypnosis it is important that you receive competent medical advice.
Hypnotherapy will have a special focus depending on whether the problem is organic or psychological.
Organic sexual problems require medical intervention. Hypnotherapy can be used as an addition, for example, in helping you recover faster after surgery.
More often, sexual difficulties that are handled by hypnotherapy involve psychological problems.
Because the process is related to your mind, all sexual activity during hypnotherapy only occurs in your imagination.
What you learn through hypnotherapy is done privately in other places.
Hypnotherapy can be used to increase your sensual involvement and help you to be fully present while having sex.
The use of effective and general hypnotherapy is to reduce your anxiety.
Anticipation of failure (especially for men who are anxious about their ability to have or maintain an erection) brings feelings of anxiety.
This in turn brings failure. Hypnotherapy puts an end to this vicious cycle and replaces anticipation of failure with certainty of success and confidence.
Traditional sex therapy methods are more easily accepted by you when you are in hypnosis because the parts of your mind that are conscious, judgmental, and analytical are temporarily set aside.
Your subconscious absorbs new and positive messages that you request to be made by a hypnotherapist.
Precisely because hypnosis enters the autonomic nervous system, one can use it to correct or change functions that usually occur without conscious control, for example, male erections.
Charles, a 27-year-old former sailor and currently an electrician, consulted a hypnotherapist because he was too afraid to have sex with his wife.
They have been married three years and have had sexual difficulties since the birth of their daughter eight months earlier. Charles was afraid he would be embarrassed once again if he tried to make love.
“Kim laughed at me for the first time and now he just gave me a look of disgust.” Why? Because he can’t maintain an erection.
Charles felt insulted and frustrated; he was worried that he would never again have sex with his wife. His dream of being a father of a child seems unattainable.
He told the hypnotherapist that he had no problems while masturbating alone. This is an indicator of the possibility that Charles’s problem is psychological, not organic.
As well as Charles’s report that he always had a strong erection when having sex with an occasional housewife in his house he did electrical work.
To be on the safe side, the hypnotherapist advised Charles to be examined by a medical specialist to be absolutely sure there were no organic causes for his ED.
The doctor confirmed that Charles’s problem was “100 percent psychogenic,” meaning that for some emotional or psychological reason, he could not maintain an erection.
Of course, the more Charles tried, and the more he worried, the more soft his penis.
Hypnotherapist explained to Charles that hypnosis can be used to uncover the cause of the problem, or to deal with symptoms, or both.
Charles, who is impatient, and of course wants to end his shameful experience, chooses “quick fix”.
During three hypnotherapy sessions, Charles revived a successful love episode from his youth as a Navy “stud”.
Then the therapist used a fusion technique to encourage Charles to see himself (in his imagination, hypnotized) from now on once again enjoying a full and strong erection far beyond the time needed to satisfy his partner.
Positive suggestions were also made by the hypnotherapist to Charles about his greatness, his confidence and his desire for his wife.
For three months Charles and Kim had an extraordinary sex life. Then he loses an erection as the heating has become hot and heavy.
Kim, injured and disappointed, reacts with sarcasm. All of Charles’s fears and anxieties soon returned. He returned to the hypnotherapist.
This time Charles agreed to investigate the causes of his helplessness.
Hypnotherapist uses various approaches – age regression, age development (where “the future” Charles explains how he conquered problems) analog symbolic imagery – but nothing works.
In the next session, with Charles relaxed in hypnosis, the therapist told Charles that he would dream. His subconscious will provide this dream as a way, both directly and symbolically, to explain the origin of its implications.
Three nights later Charles dreamed he was outside the factory. It was night and the factory looked dark and mysterious.
Charles felt a strong urge to weigh the steel fence surrounding the factory. Then he tried to find out. All doors are closed and locked. A security guard (“very scary, because he has my face,” Charles said) told him to leave.
However, Charles remained eager to enter the factory. He ran from the guard, to the back of the building. Here is a loading dock. Charles saw a bulldozer there. He jumped into the taxi and started operating the controls.
The guard reappeared, weakly asking Charles to get out of the property, to go to his own house. In the distance, Charles could see a magnificent castle that he somehow knew.
But his interest was only in a dark factory. The guard shrugged. Charles turned on the bulldozer and filled the heavy machine toward the small back door of the factory.
When the bulldozer began to rumble, Charles woke up – with a huge erection.
That dream confused Charles. But it’s an enlightened therapist. For him it was revealed that Charles was in the grip of the Madonna / Prostitute complex.
This is an attitude that divides women into “good” and “bad.” So, the wife of a man and especially mother, “good.” Prostitutes, wives of other men, and women of ethnic groups besides the man himself, “bad.”
The “bad” woman is interesting; “Good” woman is boring. Sex is prohibited by “good” women but may be “bad”.
A man with this complex may have sex with his wife sometimes, or until he becomes a mother, or when post-hypnosis advice takes place. But his heart is not in it. Not his penis.
However, with “bad” women he has no commitment, no respect. He is there to use.
His conscience (security guard) hardly bothered him to penetrate a stranger (a dark factory), but, on the contrary, prevented him from enjoying his “castle” woman.
When Charles heard this explanation, he nodded in agreement. This is indeed his view. And that was from his father, uncle and most of his friends. He has no serious interest in changing this view, especially since Kim announced he was pregnant. The suggestion of hypnotherapy that Charles and Kim sought marriage counseling fell on deaf ears.
A lawyer we call Mathilde did seek help from a psychotherapist. He had told the doctor who referred to him that he rarely had an orgasm. The truth is that Mathilde never experienced orgasm – with her husband.
He has been pretending for years. But he had climaxed with his previous girlfriend. Also for two nights stood a few months ago.
Mathilde was a speaker at a lawyer convention, thousands of miles from home. There he met Roger, a musing electrical engineer who had had difficulty photographing the hotel elevator.
“He’s not too handsome but he has soft gray eyes,” Mathilde told the therapist. He smiled. “He’s brutal in bed.”
Mathilde was rather surprised to find himself telling the details of a male therapist whom he felt uncomfortable admitting to his female doctor.
There is no question about his desire to leave marriage. He loves her husband, has an extraordinary life. All that is missing is the joy of orgasm. That is something he missed.
Until he met Roger, the lack of orgasm with her husband didn’t bother him too much. Mathilde is used to pretending – and satisfying herself secretly.
The therapist faces two dilemmas:
i) maybe, despite Mathilde’s conscious refusal, there were some problems between him and her husband
ii) therapists usually work with partners, not individuals, on such sexual challenges.
He decided that, considering the husband was absent and the possibility of not coming to the next session, he would work with Mathilde, and he would use hypnotherapy. If the results are successful, there is no need to look for possible conflicts between husband and wife.
First the therapist explained a little about hypnosis and how it could help Mathilde. His first session was devoted to him to relax in hypnosis, and became accustomed to how it felt safe and peaceful.
In Mathilde’s second and third sessions of hypnosis, the therapist suggested that Mathilde quietly revive the previous orgasm experience.
In his mind he must record physical and emotional feelings that allow him to climax.
When orgasm in his imagination ends he will open his eyes, even though it remains in hypnosis.
Then the therapist showed, and Mathilde confirmed, that he was very relaxed internally just before sex. And that during warming and sexual intercourse, he becomes “lost” in pleasure.
The therapist asks Mathilde to close her eyes again and this time imagine herself in bed with her husband. Again, he could relive the details quietly, no need to tell any therapist, except when the imagined love ended.
When Mathilde compared her previous experience with her feelings when making love to her husband, she immediately realized her tension.
“I’m not relaxed and I’m not lost in acting.” Sometimes he thought about the cases he was working on and other times when he was focused on making sure her husband was satisfied.
In the next session, the therapist first advises Mathilde that she can let herself relax with her husband, so that she can allow herself to climax with her.
The therapist once again waited silently while Mathilde played the scene in his mind.
When he gestures (with a big smile) that the scene has reached a successful end, the therapist closes the session with positive suggestions about Mathilde that allows him to relax, focus on pleasure and allow it to reach a climax when making love with her husband.
And so it is.
* * *
Hypnotherapy has also been used successfully to overcome other sexual problems such as overlubrication, exhibitionism, and to uncover the reasons for the client being a transvestite.
Before seeking help with sexual difficulties, it is important to make sure that is really a problem. For example, a man might go to a therapist because he believes he has premature ejaculation. But if the man is married to a woman who does not like sex, indeed “wants it to end as quickly as possible,” that’s exactly what happened, so where is the problem?
Eugene’s twenty-five-year problem was quite real: he could not be upright. A handsome and single bus driver, Eugene has undergone several medical examinations; all doctors conclude there is no medical cause for impotence.
At first, hypnotherapy did not help Eugene. He became increasingly desperate about his failure, feared until now and could not sleep at night.
Hypnotherapists have used one or more approaches that usually resolve psychogenic impotence:
> positive advice
> Aversive therapy
> satisfying image
> arm stiffness
But nothing works.
Hypnotherapists finally decided to ask for guidance from the subconscious Eugene through finger signals and direct relay images in response to questions.
(With finger signals – also known as ideodynamic techniques – hypnotized people allow the unconscious to answer questions with previously designed fingers that represent “Yes,” “No,” “Don’t Know,” and “Not ready to answer”).
This approach proved to be useful, even though it was initially confusing.
Hypnotherapist: “I will ask you some of your unconscious questions. There is no need for you to think of a question or answer. Just allow your subconscious to respond through the chosen fingers.
You may feel a tingling sensation starting at the subconscious finger. Then it will be lifted as if on its own accord.
Now, I want to ask your subconscious whether there is a purpose served by Eugene’s impotence? ”
[This question is often answered “yes” and then leads to explanations such as the desire to punish yourself or a partner for certain reasons].
[The Fimger response is marked with ()].
H: “Is the cause of the problem located in Eugene’s past?”
[This response directs the hypnotherapist along the wrong path. He does not take into account the literalities in which the subconscious absorbs information. As a result, the hypnotherapist understands the answer “Yes” which means that there are certain events, trauma or messages, which begin Eugene’s impotence. As later revealed, “past causes” are referred to, not to certain events, but to ongoing processes.]
H: “Did the cause occur before Eugene was 20 years old?”
H: “Did the cause occur before Eugene was 15 years old?”
H: “Before 10?”
[Now hypnotherapy, which incorrectly assumes several events that occur, switches from the finger response to the image response].
H: “Okay. I will ask the subconscious to present to your mind an image that is somehow connected to the problem we are facing.”
E: “I was in the shop. I don’t know how old I was, but a man picked me up. I was very scared. He held me to him. Another person came and told the man to drop me.”
[Hypnotherapists think that something might happen in the store to cause Eugene to become impotent. However, further questions reveal that Eugene saw a little more than he had reported. There seems to be no abuse, there are no negative messages (like “You will never be a man.”)
This session is almost over, so the therapist returns to the ideological question. He decided to check the medical verdict].
H: “Is there a medical basis for that?”
E: [Long pause]. (No).
H: “Is there something physical that will help?”
H: “Is something missing in Eugene’s diet, or something that should not be eaten or drunk?”
E: (Don’t know / don’t want to answer).
[Eugene gasped from hypnosis, shocking himself. In the previous session for another problem Eugene enjoyed hypnosis so much that he was reluctant to show up. He puts himself back in hypnosis].
H: “Okay. Our time is running out. I want to thank your subconscious for his help. I now ask him to give you a dream that will give you a strong indication of how to solve the problem that brought you here.”
[Eugene once again comes out of hypnosis].
H: “Wow. We are obviously close to something significant, otherwise you won’t come out so suddenly.”
E: “I don’t understand why. But when you talk about me dreaming something floats in my mind: smoking.”
H: [Extraordinary]. “You smoke!”
E: “Yes, a lot.”
H: “Here it is. That’s what your subconscious says: the cause of your inability to smoke! Have you ever stopped?”
E: “Yes. For a while.”
H: “And do you have an erection at the time?”
E: [Thinking back]. “Yes, I do. I do.”